I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
