come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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