It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
