At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
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