It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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