just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
