so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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