Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
