I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
