Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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