I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
