there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
