fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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