Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Ketchup is God's man juice
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
