Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
