U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
it's like iHOP with fire
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
