i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
