They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
