some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
