pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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