Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
