Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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