Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
