A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
