Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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