thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
