so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
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