Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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