Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
