Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
false alarm. still invincible.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
