Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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