I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
