i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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