If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
