I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize