i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
