OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
