the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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