I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
