Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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