My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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