mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
The Olympian is in my bed
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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