I'm gonna have a badass scar
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
