You made me cry and you don't even care
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
