first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
