chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
