i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
