All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
