He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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