Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
