I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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