one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
