Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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