Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
