So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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