the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
