Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
