Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
So here I am, sexting at work.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
