low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
