dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I'm getting married
To pizza
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
