hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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